What colour are your wings?

By Kerryn Vaughan

11th July 2020

When was the last time you took the time out to soul search and ask yourself if now’s a good time for some deep, even confronting growth? If you’re anything like me you’ll say it was years ago, maybe even never!

I spend a lot of time reflecting on things and like to grow as a result, but there’s something much deeper and darker about getting right down deep into our soul.

For years I’ve been doing amazing things and I feel so honoured to have been able to make a difference in so many lives. But despite my long list of achievements, something was missing.

I have finally landed myself in an incredible relationship where I can breathe in my own space, without the need to succumb to the expectations of somebody else. I know and appreciate how extremely lucky I am to be in this situation, and while it shouldn’t be, it is rare.

But with this ‘perfect’ situation came a nagging sense of frustration. Not because of the situation itself, but because I had the space to truly contemplate on a much deeper level. I started noticing that my spark was going out and I was constantly feeling like I was pushing a heavy weight up a hill - actually a mountain!

Why was I so grumpy when I was making so much incredible change?

I have, on many occasions in the past, sought advice from individuals on specific topics they were skilled in. This was always informal and wonderful, but in recent months I knew deep down I needed to find someone who could assist in a more holistic, yet targeted way.

Finally I found a gorgeous lady from Colorado Springs - Sam Horn. Now this ‘formal investment’ didn’t come cheap so this was a really hard decision, especially in the current economic climate. As the days drew closer to meeting with her, I felt a sense of excitement that for the first time ever I’d be clear on how I would bring all my projects under one umbrella, powerfully brand myself, and onward and upward I would go.

She was intuitively brilliant and had everything nailed and planned by the time our hour was up. I was blown away by her and still am. What a powerhouse! I set about doing the things she suggested and was bouncing with excitement at the prospect of launching the amazing program we planned - one that would give leaders a unique opportunity to make a difference. Woohoo I was back. There it was. All I needed was some clarity.

Insert record scratch here… Not the DJ mixer dance type - no, the one where the cat jumped into the record player and the whole damn thing fell off its flimsy retro legs!

It only took a couple of weeks for those nagging thoughts to come creeping back in:

Who has any money at the moment to pay for this program?

Nobody wants to add more time into their day by changing the world - after all, we’re all too busy, right?

No corporation will pay big bucks for me to facilitate a unique program specifically designed to engage their staff - despite the massive cost of disengagement

Then the personal stuff reared it’s ugly head too:

Maybe I’m not good enough

Maybe I don’t know enough

Who am I to do this?

Will people think I’m a fake?

Who would want to listen to me?

And on and on the internal resistance went…

It didn’t take me long to realise the problem was with me. Not my knowledge or skills, but my belief system which needed a complete reboot. To be honest, this wasn’t the first time in my life I’d been deterred by similar thoughts. It’s actually a regular thing, and if we’re all honest, we all fall victim to this. But this time was different. I was so chronically tired of pushing so hard against these thoughts. I needed to do something differently.

Admitting this doesn’t come easy and for me I’m greeted with an ugly sense of shame. I successfully mentor so many others, so to admit I was falling would make me look like I didn’t know what I was doing. At least that’s what I was afraid of. 

Those who trusted me would no longer trust me

Those who admired me would no longer admire me

Those who believed in me would no longer believe in me

Those who were inspired by me would no longer be inspired by me

You get the picture…

But the exhaustion of constantly pushing had become too much. I had to wave the white flag and surrender to the nagging of despair, hoping my tribe, or a new one, would greet me on the other side. So began several days of serious contemplation.

I strongly believe, and have seen it happen over and over, that when you put something out to the universe, it answers. As well as Sam, there is another wonderful woman this world is blessed to have - Janet Hogan. I have known Janet for many years as I featured her amazing daughter, Clover in my book ‘Magnificent Kids!’. 

I knew Janet had a program called The 5th Door, but had never been specifically drawn to it - until now. Janet’s 5th Door appeared on my LinkedIn timeline and I was overwhelmed with tears. They do say ‘when the student is ready the teacher will appear’. I reached out and began the process of working with Janet through her program.

As I write this, we are only 5 days into a 19 day program, and already this is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done. In just a few short days I have shed my pride (not the good type - but the type you need to swallow) and have uncovered my core need - ‘self worth’. It now makes sense to me why I’ve never been comfortable with charging an appropriate amount of money for my services, despite the fact that what I offer is hugely impactful.

The evidence of my success is everywhere, and people tell me on a daily basis. Not to mention the pile of testimonials I have. BUT, no amount of external praise or evidence will ever matter if you don’t believe it for yourself.

So with my core need identified, we then looked for that naughty little core destructive belief. Surprise surprise - mine is ‘I am not valuable’. Dang!! Blatantly obvious but completely under my radar.

Of course this ridiculous belief stems from a couple of ‘criticisms’ as a child that I perceived differently to how they were intended. One instance was of somebody who truly loves me merely trying to protect my feelings as a child, but I interpreted that as excluding me from the decision because I was not valuable enough to be included. Communication truly is about the interpretation of the receiver!

Now begins the process of bringing all these false beliefs into the light and loving them for what they are, and there’s a whole stack of fine tuning to be done. The program is so beautifully prescribed that you always feel completely safe and supported, and never left hanging. And obviously the process is much deeper than the tiny taste I’m sharing here.

We’re a long way from the finish line, but after the 19 days I anticipate having a whole new readiness to take on the world with passion and purpose, and I can’t wait. Already I have a sense of how that might look, but I suspect the next leg of my journey will look very different, and I will feel very different.

I also see now that I had been seriously blocking my flow, and that I needed to invest in me to get the river flowing as it should.

I’m so glad I had the courage to swallow my pride, as now I’m beginning to find a new sense of peace and calm. I know I will emerge the beautiful butterfly I was always meant to be in the world, but this time I hope to see it for myself.

Are you ready to lay your weapons down, wave your white flag and surrender to the perfect emergence of your amazing self? I hope so, because the world needs what your soul brings.

Kerryn Vaughan is the author of ‘Magnificent Kids!’ and ‘Get Off The Bench!’, founder of One Planet Classrooms, co-founder of Girls With Hammers, and host of Get Off The Bench Podcast